~ Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them. ~ William James
Published August 18, 2010 | 
~ Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them. ~ William James
After we lost Finley it seemed for a while that I lost my hope. The future was not the bright place it was meant to have been, it wasn’t the place it used to be either. For a while, hopes and dreams and aspirations were impossible to find, I didn’t even remember that I used to have them. Then the false hopes and dreams existed, those moments where you allow yourself to believe that Finley is here but sleeping and you are rudely awoken from this day dream in the supermarket where a baby cries, and you turn to him and realise again that it’s not your baby, never your baby. Even though you know he is gone, that instinct that awoke during those months of carrying them and suddenly blazed bright the moment they are born responds without you asking it to. Your stomach turns over every time you hear a baby cry, your heart breaks every time you see a Mum shout at her child, you wake in the night thinking you can hear them, feel them or smell them.
But hope is an amazing thing. It does return. With a little digging, you can find that tiny little sparkle. It may be miniscule, you may walk right past it but it is there. It can be nurtured and it grows. And with the return of hope comes the return of the future. Its not what it was going to be, nor is it what you imagined but it is there. Just one step away, and one more and one more. And if there is a future there are dreams and aspirations. They too have changed, they might be bigger or smaller than before but they are there. I found that my new dreams related to Finley. To keeping his memory alive in many ways, but then underneath I realised that all of these things had been dreams before. They just had no focus. I’d always wanted to write a book, so I wrote one about Finley. I’d always wanted to use my skills to support others, so I do this in memory of Finley. Perhaps other people don’t understand it, but when you have been through a loss you do. The child you lost is always with you, beside you, in your heart and in your thoughts. They exist in every minute of every day. This fact in itself is enough to bring you a shard of hope to get you through the darkest days.
Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them.
If you find your hope, and your dreams, allow them to take you above the clouds – there they will meet your angel who will add strength to them.
“When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.”
Published August 16, 2010 | When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment…
I have been thinking about what this quote means to me, and how it relates to my losses. I often have trouble explaining to people how I am feeling. Sometimes I think that the way that I feel just does not fit with what people expect. This was especially true in the early days. I was quite amazed to discover that although I was greiving, and sad (and am still grieving), actually I also felt a sense of peace within me. I still feel this sense of peace. It is a very lovely place to be able to escape to when the sad feelings get too much.
I was wondering where this sense of peace that I liken to contentment has come from. I believe in part it is beacuse of the experiences I had during pregnancy with Finley. I followed a natural birthing method called the gentle birth method, and this helped me to nurture myself, by baby and made pregnancy a special time. I was walking in nature a lot, swimming, eating well, and having reiki and reflexology treatments. All of these things served to help me to connect to Finley before he was born. We did not know he was a little boy then, did not know his name, but I got to know him as a little person who would swim inside me when I was swimming, and who would move around when I had reiki.
Also, this sense of peace comes from the events that happened after he was born with his eyes forever closed. We were abale to spend 3 days with him. I had time to come to terms with what had happened and for the shock to ease slightly. I was blessed to have a wonderful midwife spend time with me when her shift had ended taking photos of me holding my son, and speaking to me about the fact that we had to leave hospital without him we could choose how this happened. So I chose to bath my baby, dress him in a special snuggly outfit and I read him a bedtime story, and placed him in the cot to sleep. We have photos and videos of this. We also did have time during those 3 days to get him presents, and bring things from home. Our family and friends met him, which further marked his place in our life.
All of these things have meant that I can look upon his yesterday, the part of my yesterdays that contain Finley, without regret. I don’t think there is anything I would have chosen in hindsight to do differently.
So looking to tomorrow without fear? That is a different topic altogether. If I allow myself, every step towards tomorrow could contain fear. Those what if thoughts can always be encouraged. Thats where some of the tools I use help me. I notice what I am thinking and I counteract it. So if I think “what if I have another baby and it dies”, I stop and change that thought to a different one. I might think “They dont know what happened last time so it won’t happen again”, or “I am a good Mummy and deserve to have my baby here with me”, or my favourite one was suggested by a friend recently…
If something as devastating as a baby dying can happen, then surely something as wonderful as a baby surviving can happen too.
I hope that you are able to look on yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear – meaning your today is full of contentment.
