Sometimes a miracle can seem to far away, so for just this day i wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
The dew on a spiders web.
The sun in a blue sky.
The birdsong in a silent dawn.
The peaceful breath of your loved one asleep.
The mischevious glint in your childs eyes.
The smile on your cat’s face as it reminds you that a stroke makes it all better.
The clear air at the top of a hill.
The feeling of your hair as you leave a hairdressers.
The smell of freshly washed clothes.
A stranger smiling at you as they walk past.
Ordinary every minute of every day miracles.
I have been ill. I have had bug after bug since Christmas. I currently cannot speak. Its all very interesting timing, as I feel my dreams are a step closer. So the choices, do I stay in bed and rest? Or do I take a step? Even that step is the first one on the way to the sofa. If I take one step who knows what changes will occur. Simply by getting out of bed I may take an important phone call downstairs that otherwise I would have missed. If I move downstairs by taking a few more steps I may turn the computer on to see a friend come on line for an important conversation that changes everything. If I was to take one small step towards my dreams, one today, one tomorrow,one the next day who knows what doors may open. This one step changes everything – Look I have already written a blog that I would not have written if I had stayed in bed and rested. Perhaps this blog will reach someone who needs it. Perhaps they also find the strength to take one step which changes everything.
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing
the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this
joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw
suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things
happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and
replied, “Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the
love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” he
asked. God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the
offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their
differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their
other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little
soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The
suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the
rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in
their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it
with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are
afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this -
it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the
world and suffer – to unlock this love – to create this miracle for the good of
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself.
With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly
replied. “I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so
that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create
that miracle!” God smiled and said, “You are a brave soul I know, and thus I
will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able
to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask
for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your
journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also
share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for
you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have
already chosen a name for you”. God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then
In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always.
Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength.
And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just
say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment
the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and
God’s strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so
many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love.
Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that
were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some
regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children
tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new
friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time
together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was
good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased
My Brave Little Soul Finley. The world is a better place, a miracle did happen. Peace and love do reign. Each Brave Little Soul changes it’s piece of the world.
When I first lost Finley I got so angry and frightened about this “Grief Cycle”. I knew about it. I knew I would have to go through a stage of anger, a stage of denial, a stage of depression before I was finally ok and got to acceptance. I knew that it might take me two years or it might take me ten years. I decided it was not gonna happen that way. No way was I going to sit around and wait to pass through these stages.
I started to take control. I worked out things that helped, I structured my life, I dealt with the thoughts and feelings as they came up. I thought I was doing ok. Well, at the time I actually remember thinking that I was still alive so that was an achievement. I had days that were good and days that were bad. Eventually the good outnumbered the bad, and then the bad became moments in a day or a week.
But I think now that maybe this grief is cyclical. I don’t know that it ever ends, but perhaps it changes. I am grieveing all over again, but this time it is different. Before I was sad for the future that I imagined would never be. Now, now we have Twinkle. Now a new cycle of grief has begun. The first loss is the loss of the imagined. Perhaps this is a second loss. The gaining of a knowledge, and the loss of the experience?
Now I know what I am missing, now I know what we have lost. I will never feel my son’s breath on my face, I will never look at the sparkles in his eyes, I will never study his gums for that pesky tooth, I will never marvel as he grabs my finger, or wonder how such a big smell comes from such a little person. I will never have those things. Those things are lost. Those things are gone. Those things were never here.
Sometimes words say it all. Sometimes music does a better job. Today I was listening to The Rose and just got to thinking that those lyrics are so true. Anyone who has lost a baby who has found the courage to try again will find their story in those words.
The loss, the first loss, the razor cut, the pain – it’s all in those first few lines,
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it’s only seed
The drowning and the razor, well I recognise both of those. I guess love does have a part to play. If there was no love there would be no grief. If there was no love there would be no pain, but also there may well have been no Finley. There certainly wouldn’t have been pride and wonder if there was no love. And then afterwards, after the loss, those weeks where I would wake in the night longing to cradle him in my arms as I did the night in the hospital. The endless aching need to have a baby and hold a baby.
It’s the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live
But it’s true, if you never find that courage to try again you never have your dream. If you don’t let yourself begin to feel love again how can you try to have another baby? You will never learn to dance the dance of motherhood with your rainbow baby in your arms, if you don’t open your heart. The soul afraid of dying who never learns to live? Well, yes that line is in every tale of loss too. We have come close to death, closer than I ever wish to go again. But surprisingly I am not afraid of dying, I know now that the soul can never die. So perhaps my soul has learned to live, and live with a passion and a depth that was not there before.
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun’s love
in the spring
becomes the rose
It is a lonely, long road after a loss. People try to join you, but really they just come along for a few steps. It sure did feel for a while there that the love of a child, here in my arms looking at me from those knowing eyes, was for everyone else and not for me. But in my winter, and under all the snow lay the seed that became Twinkle, my own little rose.
It’s amazing what a new hairstyle can do. I took a couple of hours out today to get my hair done. It was a late Christmas pressi from the other half. I went in and sat flicking through some magazines trying to decide what to have done. In the end I said the the hairdresser I’ll have purple, dark and blonde bits but you can decide the style.
It was as I sat down that I realised I had not been there for over two years, the last time I went was just when I was pregnant with Finley. The hairdresser’s first question was how many little ones have you got now? I saw her confusion as I said one, as she tried to work out the dates. I said I lost a baby before this one, a little boy. I didn’t say anymore. But she did, she said that her Mum had lost a baby before she was born. It just strikes me that this baby loss stuff is actually quite common.
I walked in with long, scraggly mousy brown hair, which probably had baby sick in, and was falling out in a post pregnancy clearout. I walked out with short choppy hair, with purple and blonde parts. It’s shorter than I have ever had it. Does this show I am a new me? Does it show I am ready to take a bit more care of myself? Or does it only show something if people notice?
We would like to say thank you for the generous donations recently recieved in memory of littel angel Megan Stafford Born Asleep locally on 25th November 2010. Sleep well little angel, and unnescecarean from twitter.
Sometimes we actually don’t stop to look at the things that are precious. Sometimes life just gets to busy and they pass you by. I feel like for most of my life I have been too busy to see the treasures that are in it.
When we lost Finley the whole world ceased to exist for a while, there was just this bubble of pain and black and nothing, emptyness. I don’t quite know when it changed, but I do know that I made a choice. I chose to start living in the moment. You might think that moment is painful after a loss, but actually it’s not. The things that make it painful are thoughts and feelings and fears – about the past and about the future. The moment is nothing. It has only the meaning we attach to it. I conciously chose to do things that made the moment beautiful. Ok I admit that there were lots of times to start with that that was tough. I had to think on things that I used to enjoy, or things that other people enjoyed and make myself do them.
But after a while they became meaningful again. After a while….
What were those things? A bath with white bubbles, a cuddle with my husband, my Dad kissing me on the nose, my Mum’s tears in her eyes. A book – ok pages in a book, a text from a friend. A walk in the woods. And my favourite one… Picking blackberries. Seriously there is nothing like it. The frustration of still not being able to reach the fattest berries, even though it’s probably 20 years since I picked a pot of blackberries. The purple of the juice on your fingers. The sound of the birds in the trees, the fish jumping in the canal. The satisfaction of a full pot.
Oh yeah – and the silly rows with the husband type person when the freezer is so full nothing else will fit in! Just like old times
“When you have a child, your instinct is to protect them; when you lose a child, your instinct is to protect their memory.”
I read this today. It is just so true. When you have a child your instinct is to protect them. This is true whether your child is born and lives to be 70 or they are lost in a miscarriage, or late pregnancy or after they are born. As a mother every instinct screams at you to protect them. Now I have little one here on earth I know this is true. I equally want to protect Finley, Poppet, and Twinkle. The feeling of failure is huge. Imagine your own child, they have just learnt to run. You can see a bump in their path, you know what will happen yet you let them fall and they cry. You failed to protect them. Ok that had no lasting affect right? But you still felt bad because you could not protect them.
When you are pregnant this instinct is so strong. Your body is the only thing that stands between your baby and this dangerous world outside. The feeling when you cannot continue the pregnancy, or when your baby dies in labour like Finley did, is horrendous. I should have protected all of my babies.
Now I can’t protect Finley. All I can do is protect his memory. Until you lose someone you have no idea how important memories are. Memories are the footprints on your heart, the etchings in your mind. His memory is so precious. Every memory of his time here is recorded, in film, on photographs, in words and pictures, in music and song. All of these things are in a box. A box to show a life, a box to show love, a box to show a memory – a memory box.
When you are in hospital after the loss of a child, you don’t know that you will treasure those memories. You don’t know that your heart needs them to heal, you don’t know this unless somebody tells you. Today 12 angel parents will be granted the gift of a memory. http://www.bubsbears.com/ have kindly made us some special hand made bears to be the starting of peoples memory boxes. Beautiful bears to hold, to treasure, to make a memory with.
Read more and see the bears at http://mutteringsfromthemoor.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/some-very-special-bears/#comment-2296
You were born with potential… You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings! You are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You have wings…. Learn to use them and fly. ~ Rumi
This quote popped up on my facebook wall earlier. It grabbed me… Firstly because it mentions wings. Anything that reminds me of angels, reminds me of Finley. Then I got to thinking about it. I like this quote. I honestly believe that everyone can achieve their dreams. I know sometimes its hard to find our dreams, sometimes after a loss the dreams we have, the ideal we imagined has gone, but new dreams can take their place. Sometimes our thought about our dream may need to be revised. For example I dream of having Finley here. This won’t happen in the physical, but my dream can still be achieved. He is here with me in everything I do.
I like the part of the quote which says we have wings, but then says we have to learn to use them and fly. After a loss we need to learn to crawl again, walk again, trust again, believe again, love again. Once we do all these things we can fly. We have a head start after all… We have our very own angel teaching us wing skills.