I am not even sure how to put how I feel today into words. I feel like I need to, because as ever, if I feel like this, then some of you probably do too.
Today or tomorrow Finley’s headstone will be laid. It has taken so long to gather the funds, find the right words and finally it is going to be placed. I’m happy he will get a permanent stone to name his space in this world, but I am so sad too. There is a solemn finality to this. It is yet another unwelcome milestone.
When we had to decide upon burial or cremation, we chose burial. I don’t know about Baz but for me this was because cremation just seemed so final. A couple of years ago I realised I was slightly jealous of those Mum’s who had the ashes with them still, as they would be able to have their baby there forever. So burial started to feel different, but of course it was too late. When I understood that to lay a headstone meant putting concrete down first, I felt scared. This was it, I would never be able to dig him up and take him home.
Today I will go to take all the pretty things off his grave. I just want to pick him up and bring him home.