Finleys Footprints

5? 4? 3? What’s with the random numbers in the title of this post? Well they are the number of Mother’s Days I have experienced with each child/since each child.

Each one of these days holds a variety of memories. Should they have been different? Perhaps. I know that I spent many hours on some of those days wishing with all of my heart that it was different.But inside, somewhere deep inside, my belief is that things are as they are meant to be. I never asked for it, I never thought this was what life would hold, so all I can do is make the most of it. So tonight, just before Mother’s Day 2013 arrives in the UK, I am sitting in my memories.

Mother’s Day 2008 – March 2nd.

This day was probably the first Mother’s Day I had ever taken much notice of – apart from giving my Mum a card and pressi, those days pretty much passed me by. The one in 2008 however was different. A few days earlier one of my best friends had visited, telling me the good news that she was pregnant. This got me thinking. I couldn’t remember when I had had my last period. We had been trying for a baby for a few months, but I am so unorganised I hadn’t been keeping note of anything. I brought a pregnancy test and used it on the Saturday before Mother’s day. I was shocked, excited, terrified and happy to see that it was positive. I took it to show my husband and he didn’t believe me. I had to do another 4 tests before he would believe it. We sat in bed together, surrounded by them. We were so excited and told people straight away. As Mother’s Day arrived, my dreamy self was imagining what the following years would be like, with a little baby in my arms and getting a card from her Daddy, pretending it was from her.

Just 3 days later I started spotting, and the roller coaster began. Several days of tests, built hopes, dashed hopes followed and finally the devastating news that my baby would miscarry. Painful memories of my first Mother’s Day as a mother.

Mother’s Day 2009 – March 22nd

Some people will have heard me mention before about how I feel my miscarriage was worse in many ways than Finley’s death. This Mother’s Day is a good example of that. I had not yet realised that you can still be a Mum – even though your baby is not with you. I had nothing to remember my lost baby by. No memories, no thoughts of kicks imagined, no gifts, no grave to visit, no scan photo. It was as if this baby did not exist at all, and that is how I had tried to deal with it. I had been through the anniversary of the miscarriage, and tried to pretend it did not affect me. I couldn’t have even put my feelings into words. I felt like to everyone else that baby meant nothing. I had not expected Mother’s Day to affect me. I was 6 months pregnant with Finley (we didn’t know he was a he then) and I was having a happy, healthy pregnancy. I had passed the worrying stage and was usually to be found in a naive little bubble with baby items, and pregnancy books. Instead of looking ahead to the Mother’s Day to come, I was sad inside.

Mother’s Day 2010 – March 14th

Did I know? On Mother’s Day 2009 did I know that I would have no reason to celebrate Mother’s Day the following year? Was part of me somehow aware? Mother’s Day 2010 was a horrendous time. A day I was dreading, a day with a massive build up, coming in my “year of firsts”. I had already done first Christmas (made a bit better by being in Tenerife), first birth of another baby, first New Year, first Valentines Day and still had first anniversary/birthday to come. Mother’s Day though? Mother’s Day was a day full of the should have beens. I should have had two babies with me. I should get a lie in. I should get soppy cards with pretend writing in. I should get lots of cuddles from my squishy kids. Instead I got a lot of feelings I had not planned for. I got to go and sit with a gravestone, crying my heart out for the son I had held in my arms, willing him to breathe or open his eyes. I got to sit and try to come to terms with the fact that yet another baby was in my tummy, one that I had not yet told the world about, one that I hoped with all my heart I would want, and love, but one that was not Finley. We sent Mother’s Day cards to Finley’s Nana’s too. Mother’s Day 2010 did bring me two beautiful, unexpected things. My husband had left a card for me at Finley’s grave. It was addressed to Mummy, with our address and following that Earth. Instead of stamps it had pictures of kites and balloons and it had a return address of heaven. I also had a card in the post from a friend, which had this poem inside it.

Mother’s Day in Heaven

Its the busiest day in heaven,

we’re planning a big surprise.

To let you know we love you

and that no one ever dies.

 

Even though your down below,

and we are up above.

We’re sending you our wishes

and all our angel love

 

Its really quite exciting

to plan this big event,

for lots of gifts will come your way

and all are heaven sent.

 

First we’ll take a bubble bath,

our splashes might cause some rain.

But knowing all the fun were having

will help to ease your pain.

 

we have color crayons in heaven,

and we’ll draw some stars so bright.

and place them in the sky today

for you to see tonight

 

 

Then Jesus will have story time,

and we will sit upon his lap.

He’ll tell us all about you,

just before we take a nap.

 

We’ll awake full of energy,

and play a game or two.

Before we finish sending

all our love to you.

 

After snack we’ll write a song,

for all the birds to sing.

And know we’ve made you happy,

with all the joy it brings

 

At night we’ll be tired,

but we’ll still hold you tight.

Our arms will wrap around you

and keep you through the night.

 

And when you finally slumber

we will kneel and pray.

Asking god to bless you,

on this special mothers day

author unknown

Mother’s Day 2011 – April 3rd

This was my first Mother’s Day with a baby in my arms. I would love to tell you it was an amazing day. The truth is I don’t really remember it. I know that we went out for a meal, to our favourite pub in the country. I know we took our little Twinkle with us. She was born in September 2010. I received a  card from Twinkle, which also said Finley’s and Poppet’s names in. This had become the norm for us, our way of including all our babies in our family.  We sent cards to our Mum’s – I remember the agony of whether to include Finley and Poppet’s name in those cards. It felt like we were expected to forget about them now that we had Twinkle. I know that I spent much of my pregnancy terrified and numb, and when she was born I expected her to die. I kept myself distant in case she did. Those feelings started to ease when she was around 7 months old and her health problems had improved.

Mother’s Day 2012 – March 18th

At last, my fourth Mother’s Day as a Mother and I enjoyed it. I felt like a Mother. I was finding myself more and more able to relax, and play with this amazing little girl. She had stopped looking so much like her brother. I had stopped taking photographs in case she died and we never got a chance to do anything again. We took flowers to Finley’s grave together as a family.

Mother’s Day 2013 – March 10th

This day is tomorrow. I can’t give you any memories! I don’t have any yet. But I do have some thoughts. Tomorrow we will find a place to go as a family. My Step daughter will be with us for the first time. We will take some spring flowers for Finley together. I have been thinking about our first baby this week. Mother’s Day falls close to the date we lost her. I should have 3 children with me – would I though? If I had had my first baby, maybe neither Finley or Twinkle would be here now. That’s a weird thought. My thoughts are also going to next Mother’s Day, and to whether I will have another baby on the way. Who knows. For now though, I will remember and I will enjoy.